"I've always wondered how cheating happens. How can you love a person, yet cross the line and have feelings for somebody else. It took me awhile to understand, and realized, yes it can happen if you haven't find your right values and principles.
I have to thank Justin for that he has given me complete trust and freedom. He's been patient so far and always allow me to discuss my thoughts with him with an open mind. He never once doubted me, as much as he knows i could be exposed to many different forms of temptations in my current job.
But there was a time where i really did, came across a mutual attraction. Which i realized, and have to admit that yes, we can actually like somebody else even when we have someone we truly, genuinely love. In fact, we can like many many MANY more people.
It was then i figured, and i told justin that, it's easy to cross that line and go along with feelings. Anything can just happen in the snap of finger, in a spark of moment.
It often happens to people when relationships got bitter, road started get a little rough, or plain. Honestly, it indeed sounds like a good enough reason for people to leave. You can easily, conveniently follow your feelings and unintentionally hurt the person you claimed you love. If you are not mentally strong enough, if all you care about was your own feelings...then that only means you never know how to love. Or rather, you only love yourself.
Feelings.....they're just feelings. Love is a commitment, it's a responsibility. It was never solely based on feelings.
Someone once told me 'there is no wrong in feeling angry. We can't control our emotions. However, it's our choice to control our actions that follows.' And i can't agree more. Similarly, we can't control our liking to somebody. But we do have control over whether we follow our feelings and satisfy that crave, or let it pass.
Many read and shared the love story of Mr LKY and his wife. They said, such love is hard to come by. Really, it wasn't that kind of love that's hard to come by. It's the kind of people like them, who stays committed, are hard to come by.
And nobody's born with all that values in them. Some takes awhile to be enlightened, some have to make mistakes to realize, and some...just never ever figures out."
^ A facebook post by a SIA stewardess, and it sure cannot get anymore true.
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Hi guys i am finally back. I have so many things i feel like explaining, so many things i want to stand up for myself, but i don't know where to start. I just know i have fragments of thoughts/feelings here and there, jumbled as it is, i'm going to try my best to type them all down.
This will be the most lengthy post in this site, to date.
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Half of you might be attached, half of you might not be. But be it the first or the latter, none of you are me, so whatever i am going to say, all of you won't fully get me. Not until you are in the exact same situation as i was, been through whatever i've been through, then you MIGHT (just might) feel what i truly feel.
I'm here to put down my thoughts and feelings, here to share a piece of mind on how i feel to those who genuinely cares for me, i'm here to lift this heavy stone in my heart. I'm not here to ask every one of you to understand what i'm doing. If you do understand, i thank you for that, if you don't, take it as you killed time.
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Almost a month back, i was struggling to get on with life. Everything was in a bad shape, my health, my mood, and my life. My mind was all filled with him, and only him. I just didn't want to accept what had happened because as soon as i accept it, it becomes real. And once it becomes real, so does the pain. And words can barely do the pain justice. But i kept on telling myself it's inevitable this period is going to be hard on me, so hang on, i can do this.
Well you see. Relationships are largely based on feelings (not entirely). One morning you're up, by night you're down. But by down, it means down to the core of your existence, experiencing new levels of emotion and pain.
Those who say relationships are all moments of bliss and euphoria aren't wrong, they're just forgetting a lot more. Because good relationships have those negative feelings as much as they have positive ones. The thing is just, the negative ones are always negative in a way you've never experienced before.
You feel them in a completely new way. You feel sad, but it's sorrow that comes from deep yearning.
You feel scared but for the first time, it's a fear that comes when you're completely and utterly dependent on someone else.
You feel blind, but you can see perfectly. You feel empty, because for the first time, you're giving so much away.
These negative feelings aren't talked about often. But the best relationships are the ones that are making you feel all the time. You're constantly learning not just about each other, but about yourself.
Love isn't just happy. It's painful, terrifying, and a little nasty.
But you signed up for all of it, not just for the good. You signed up for the roller coaster because you would rather be feeling an array of feelings than nothing at all. You would rather be riding the ups and downs than not be on the ride at all.
You can't enjoy the highs unless you've experienced the lows.
And tears aren't for the end of the relationship, but to water the seeds you're planting together.
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I always seek balance in a relationship. When Jon has something in mind, i always encourage him to voice it out because i want him to cultivate the habit of speaking and not bottling. Maybe because in the past i took his genuine feelings and concern for granted that he will always love me, i got sloppy in my attitude towards this relationship. But humans always need reminders. And i was reminded of the mistakes i've made when he stayed through with me, and it wasn't easy for him. For that, i should be utmost thankful.
He taught me that love can really be selfless and that he was really genuine in all he has done for me. He was always honest with me. But the most important thing was because i had trust and faith in what we have build painstakingly together, and the "me" who understand him way too well. I knew what kind of person he is, what decisions he would make under the circumstances, and what he genuinely feels. Or rather i also understood how much he loves me, and i had faith in that, that's why i'm still here. It's just a matter of time, i know, we will find our ways to be back together.
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"Burning someone's else candle won't make yours shine brighter."
If i had to snatch, or you had to, then that item don't even belong to yours/mine in the very first place.
You don't always need a plan, sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens. What's meant to be will always find a way.
"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice."
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What i want to say is, i'm not even a nice girl to begin with. And i'm more than what you guys see here. Similarly what Jon and i has been through, is a thousand and million more than what you read here.
The quotes, and in fact many quotes, did make sense. But when something hard hits you, you'll never find the exact words to describe how you are thinking or feeling. It is then i figured, i actually don't need to exhaust my energy and crack my brains for the right-est words, because in fact, i don't need to account to any of you regarding my relationship.
Jon and i have been through way too much in this 6 months. We had our fair share of hurting one another, our fair share of woes, but we also had the happiest memories none in this world had ever given to us.
We could be talking about absurd jokes of one another, but we will always remember the conversation because the two of us somehow made it riveting and worthwhile.
Sometimes there might be distance involved, or disparity in our daily lives, or we are both too busy to breathe, or the entire universe seems to be conspiring to keep us apart. But it takes planning, scheduling, rescheduling, and a whole lot of finagling to make seeing each other work, and yet we are always willing to do it. Even if it's just for a tinny while, it's worth it just to see each other.
Because of him, i don't ever need to run errands alone anymore. We do even our mundane parts of life together. I might have a craving for thai food, and he's there with me the next day to satisfy it. He might need to get his hair cut, and i might accompany him to do it. I might need to work the following day, he gets up as early as me to have simple breakfast with me. Grocery shopping, essentials shopping, we'll do it together.
He farts next to me and sees if it will provoke a hysterical reaction. I'll yell at him for the numerous times he did, and calls him ridiculous.
Even if it's just 2 minutes of call during my lunch break to explain the things i did at work, it makes me happier than anything. Because every simple minute with him is worth everything.
There are days when both of us don't even step out of the room or get out of bed. So we just snuggle together, skip our meals, or maybe just catch our favorite movies. People might think we wasted the day doing nothing, but it feels like it was one of the most productive days just by spending quality time together.
Now, that's something.
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Everything happens for a reason. And i believed this has happened to make both of us stronger. To gave me time to find back the "me" i have lost along the way. To make us mature into adults.
It has happened to make me see things much clearer, and never to take things for granted again. To make him starting growing from a boy to a man, and never step back in his footsteps.
Jon and i might not have walked till today if not for this incident, not for the incorrigible acts i've done, and not for the equally-hurtful things he has done. We both were childish, we did acts without considering the consequences. But some people make mistakes to grow, and i made mistakes to never take you for granted again, you made yours to see the reality for yourself.
If you loved someone, moving on is always difficult.
Possible, but difficult.
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I am sorry for the long hiatus because i have been hiding to reveal my true feelings. But here i am today, to share with you guys the truth.
You don't have to understand my feelings, because i never wanted anyone to, but i hope you understand i am someone who is clear of my decisions. Even if months to come, or years to come, i have walked away from this person in my life, i don't give a god damn fuck now. Because right now at this very moment, i won't regret this decision. And we know if we are worth it, we will always give it a thousand goes.
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Lastly, i wanna say i am eternally grateful to have my 4 girls (chean, han, starquah, yan) and my halfway bitch (wt).
This past month you girls were there for me way too much. I know how your hearts cringe when i starved myself 2 days in a row till i had severe gastric, how hurtful you girls felt when i cried and knelt down hugging your knees, how helpless when my tears wouldn't stop. I feel the way you girls feel for me, and i know i had to pick myself up, even if it's for you.
At the very same time, y'all know when i needed to be scolded, when i needed to be heard, when i needed to be supported. The good guy, the bad one, the pleasant words, the awful advice, the cold hard truth, the lies, you girls offered all of those sort because you know a relationship takes two hands to clap, and i had a part to play in this. Y'all know what i need isn't siding me, but being neutral about the whole situation, quit being judgmental, and help me up because you girls love me. It's benefiting and making me grow in the long run, and not lending me a helping hand for just that moment.
I know you girls might worry or might not fully understand the reasons to my decision, because of the complicity of the whole matter. But y'all didn't need me to say anything, all you girls said was "It's your decision, and if you're happy, we are always supportive of it. At most, in months to come, we will spend 30 bucks and get the exact 3 tubs of Haagen Dazs ice cream and hug you at your bedside again."
Those simple words were what i needed to hear. I know if i ever fall back again, you girls will always catch me.
With that, i have all the energy and strength to carry on with life. And i am certainly not this strong if not for the 5 of you. I know despite anything and everything, you girls will never leave me. Thank you way too much girls, i promise you'll never see me doing silly things ever again.
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I have successfully conveyed almost everything i want to say.
We are afterall humans. And humans have feelings. From today onwards, i swear all of such should be put to a stop. And everyone involved, let's just let bygones be bygones. Life is short, and there's certainly no time for us to be upset anymore.
Thank you for reading, whoever you are xx.
